2.5/5 ★ – FlakJak's review of Resident Evil 5.

This game is realistically a 4/10, the thing that carries it to being a decent enough time is co-op. Never play this shit single player. RE5's campaign is a line graph going down. Starts alright, some good boss battles in the first hour or so, some RE4 style gameplay but without the excellent atmosphere. Then it just keeps getting worse. The boss battles get worse, the story gets stupider, the gameplay gets worse and more repetitive. There's some dumbass sections in this game like the laser puzzle section that made me wanna gouge my eyes out and the factory areas where the zombies have guns and the game suddenly turns into the worst cover shooter I've ever played cause it's not even a fucking cover shooter. Then there's the crown jewel of bullshit with RE5. Two boss battles, Uroboros (5-2) and the final boss with Wesker. Never before in my 21 years of teaching have I encountered such bullshit. I legitimately don't know if Uroboros glitched for us and was unkillable cause we fucking shot that wriggly cunt for about 25 MINUTES before we slipped up and died and had to restart with an RPG. We mag dumped all our ammo into him, used the flamethrower about 10 times, grenades, knives, prayer, nothing could stop him. I'm convinced if God himself decided to enact some divine intervention and kill Uroboros for us, Uroboros would've shrugged it off and kept going. And then there's the final boss, Mister Shades himself, written like every other villain ever who has a throbbing Johnson for "natural selection" and "cleansing the world". This fight is GENUINE (pronounced jen-yoo-eyne) bollocks. Once again, I can't tell if it's bad game design or glitched. Time and time, Wesker would swing his arm around in a never ending animation where he would either stand in one place or walk you down until you're in a corner where you can be easily killed. Can't stun him when he does it, can't kill him when he does it, can't get past him when he does it cause he'll one shot you. Try to go to the boulder to let Sheva across and watch as Vanilla Ice with tentacles pushes you into a corner without consent and clarts you into an active volcano? Two rocket launchers, a combined 40 magnum ammo, grenade launcher ammo and all remaining ammo and the cunt was still swinging his arm around in that same animation BECAUSE THIS GAME WAS DEVELOPED BY BONOBO ABES. Needless to say, those two bosses are the highlight of this game's shitness. Sure, a lot of the rest of the game is tacky, uninspired, tepid action shooting with no atmosphere, horror, good puzzles, exciting weapons, good controls, interesting looking areas, colour, likeable characters, good writing, originality and all that jazz. But at least it wasn't as bad as those two boss battles, which will go just above the holocaust in the rankings of histories worst moments. Did I hate this game? Kinda but no. Does this review make it seem like I do? Probably. But you have to remember, I played this game with a fine af shawty I met on Hinge so I had a blast. Co-op carries this game, as it often does with many games. I'm so passionate because I'm a huge Resident Evil fan, so when I load up a new game in the series, I expect a cheesy but kinda charming story, great horror, atmosphere, fun shooting with treasure collecting and puzzles and blah blah blah. So naturally, I was put off by a game that took Neo from The Matrix, made him evil, bleached his hair, made him ugly, made him British, gave him shit writing and still somehow made him more likeable than the cast of Ready Salted fucknuts that we play as and on top of that remove or water down almost everything that makes Resident Evil good. But hey, thank God for co-op.