2/5 ★ – MegaBlastoise's review of Milon's Secret Castle.

Platform Played: NES Date Reviewed: Mar. 1, 2022 Rating: 4/10 Milon's Secret Castle was a game I was always curious about since my AVGN-binging teen years. A few months ago, I finally had the chance (and courage) to play it. Is it really as bad as many people claim it to be, or is it a diamond in the rough? First, the pros. The graphics are pretty good for the time and the music is okay. It doesn't get on my nerves, but I've seen and heard much better. The story might as well not exist. The plot can be summed up as: "Man steals boy's castle; get it back". Now, onto the MANY cons. Milon's Secret Castle can be summed up as a "guide game", since every level and room look the same and there's no map. Because of this, it's extremely easy to get lost. Milon attacks enemies with bubbles. Yes, you read that correctly. Fucking bubbles. And they suck. Enemies take way too long to kill and there aren't any upgrades. Item locations are incredibly cryptic. I get that this is an NES game from 1988, but this is ridiculous. The control is also pretty bad from my personal experience. Milon's jump arc is too weird for my taste. Milon moves like molasses mixed with cement, which make the game feel longer than it actually does. The bosses are a cakewalk compared to the rest of the game, not that this game isn't too difficult. Overall, it's not the worst game ever, but Milon's Secret Castle is not good in any way, shape, or form. I'd say skip this one.