2/5 ★ – Pencil_Nexus's review of Elden Ring.

Wow. No one fucking reads these, so I'll just scream my correct opinion to the void. Yes, this game gets a low score for many reasons. I'll start by saying the usual speel, I have beaten a majority of the Soulsborne series, except Sekiro, I'll get around to that, maybe. I used a strength and faith build, where I used heavy weapons, gear, stayed at med load, and refused to use Spirit Ashes. Dark Souls 1 holds a special place in my heart and it's a really unfortunate truth that the path they went down is not only not to my liking, but actively spits on what has come before. This one is absolutely no exception to that. I'll start with the best qualities the game has, because itll be a lot shorter. The game's presentation is stellar, the visuals are beautiful, and they kept the same great game feel that the Souls games have adapted, despite the direction they took. The total of 5 good bosses out of 288 is a horrible ratio, but I will acknowledge how great their boss design is, because its a colossal fuck ton better than most of the bosses. Loretta being the star to shine and crash, as it will be overshadowed by Malenia, the reddit blade. The 1st Godfrey, Malekith, and Godrick are the other well crafted fights. Great telegraphs, fair damage, great flow and back and forth. I would add some more, but the ones I'm thinking have caveats, like second phases that ruin the whole fight. Oh fucking well. Let's just jump into it. I've never played something that has tested my patience more and actively, just basically shouting at me to disincentivise yourself from being active with the video game. Every single game design sin and massive flaws that plagued the previous games, specifically DS2 and Bloodborne, are turned up to 1000 in this shit. All of that, thrust upon an open world game that lasts 100+ hours. The catacombs are just Chalice Dungeons again, but somehow worse, with repeating the shittiest bosses for their arenas. It got to the point where I would just skip them outright. The world is bloated with either nothing areas, side areas that are designed like 12 year old Mario maker levels, or bosses that are repeated over and over to pad the boss total. Each area has their own flavor of annoyance and it's commendable of FromSoft to continue to make a game with zero good areas. Majority of the bosses are an embarrassing bundle of shit. Rykard, Radahn, Rennala, being the mainline shitters, while Erdtree Avatars and all the catacomb fights are down in the toilet as well. This has got to be some of the worst balancing I've played in an rpg. You'll start out having a hard time, as they want you to explore the nothing lands to get stronger and then once you beat Godrick, the game either becomes a cakewalk for hours, as grunts and even bosses can't harm you, only to be buttfucked by something that is stronger than the boss you just fought. It's a nauseating back and forth or either being too strong or feeling like your underleveled. The new addition, Spirit Ashes, I refused to use. They have never designed a boss where the experience is enhanced with the player using a summon. The bosses always freak out, lose aggro, and get distracted by an Ash or Summon, while it becomes a mash R1 fest. So, i never used them and beat the game the intended way, getting a better understanding of why the bosses are shit. They truly culminated every design decision from previous installments, both good and downright abhorrent. Finally, the finale has got to be one of the worst final bosses in the series. Elden Beast shouldn't have been the finale. It just felt like nothing, it either sits their and takes it or constantly moved and spammed magic. Radagon was cucked, he should have been the finale with a higher health pool. I felt so hallow, and yet happy, because it was finally over. To finalize, this game could have been so much better, if they had held back. Bloated, unfair, shitty designed areas, enemies, ideas, and bosses plenty. If Dark Souls 2 wasn't the abortion that it was, this would easily be the worst Souls game. And everyone ate it up, and we'll just get more of this. How sad. TLDR: git gud, try finger butthole, you're just bad, try to make it yourself, 69420 hahaha.