4.5/5 ★ – PhatBaby's review of Chrono Trigger.

This whole game? Absolute cinema, baby. Looks gorgeous, story is equal parts silly and surprisingly emotionally resonant, and the battle system is super fun, experimental and unique for the time, playing around with an attack system that relies on enemy positioning and switching up your party constantly to use team-up moves. Plus, it's a lean, mean baddie that respects your time. It's around 22 hours to do nearly everything, and in that small stint, you go from slapping up dinosaurs to killing a worm god like you walked from the kitchen to the living room. Not a single section of it drags, sags or lingers. The moment you're like, ah, this section is losing me, it's done, and you're suddenly fighting Daleks in the Droid factory from Attack of the Clones. I like a game that isn't trying to bamboozle me into thinking it's good because it's been dragging its ass, making me fight wolves in the great forest of Erized for 30 extra hours. I wanna burger with some fries, man, not a burger and 300 plates of fries. But the real reason this shit slaps so hard is because of one cold-ass bastard. One absolute giga chad that sauntered into his first scene and made me, a man in his late 20s, think: "I wanna be like him when I grow up." Please tell me. Who on the Chrono Trigger team decided that the goofy frog guy was gonna have this much goddamn aura? Who doused this little amphibian fuck with so much sauce? The moment this slimy little weapon enters your party, he is him, bro! He is him!!! AND THEY KNOW!!! Akira Toriyama cooked up enough artwork for a small handful of cutscenes, and the frog guy gets like three all to himself. Why? Because he's nice with it like that. Every single one of them, he's locked the fuck in, being cold as fuck, and it's hilarious, because in an actual battle, he's mostly just spamming healing magic. But it doesn't matter, because every time bro can drop an absolute bar, he will. Hell, I don't even care. My buddy gave me shit because I didn't recruit Magus and opted to fight him instead, but I'm sorry, the frog guy was standing on a cliff, on the precipice of time, challenging an ancient, all-powerful vampire to a 1v1 to put the monster he's travelled across the reaches of the universe to find back in the ground? That shit's COLD AS HELL! The aura merchant was setting up his caravan on that cliff, and you want me to tell him he can't peddle his wares? No, sir. Not in my fucking house. Blame the Chrono Trigger devs and Toriyama for making him stand on business like that. Anyway, yeah, I also called the fat robot "Grok"... and that was pretty funny...