4.5/5 ★ – PhatBaby's review of Resident Evil 3: Nemesis.

This shit caught me by surprise so much. Over two days, it wormed its way into my brain and became an obsession, to the point where all I could think about was going back to it. And let me tell you, it had fierce competition. I'm a busy lil' bee right now. I just got a new job, and I'm doing all the admin, and to congratulate myself, I decided to make a frivolous purchase that I definitely didn't need as a reward. So I bought myself a Switch 2. That's a brand new console with a DONKEY KONG game available right now... THAT SHIT HAS DONKEY KONG OFF RIP. But literally the same day my brand spankin' new Switch showed up, I was sitting waiting for the delivery man, and I thought, hmmm, well, I gotta wait in, so why not just start RE3? I gotta notch it off my RE tier list eventually, so I'll get to grips with it for an hour or two, and then play Donkey Kong. And let me tell you, my Switch showed up, meaning a new Donkey Kong game where he smashes big fuck off rocks was in my goddamn crib. But I started playing this and realised... all I can think about is goddamn Nemesis. It was like meeting the perfect girl; sweet, kind, cute, funny... smashes big rocks. But despite her being so amazing, all you can think about is your toxic ex that also just so happens, in this scenario, to look like a mound of grey dogshit with Mr Beast veneers. That crusty bastard was the only thing occupying my thoughts. His Shrek lookin' ass with his bazooka seeping into my brain. And so I stopped playing Donkey Kong, and went back cause, oh my god, I just could not put this down. Nemesis really brought together every single thing I love about Resident Evil. The tense atmosphere, the cheesy but oh so sweet story, the way the gameplay is the vehicle for the horror, rewarding every major moment of success with a ruthless setback that makes you feel defenceless. But more than anything, I'm a sucker for a Stalker enemy. Really, it's my favourite trope in any survival horror game. That unkillable enemy that won't leave you the fuck alone, who is way stronger than anything you've faced, and forces you to adapt on the fly. And Nemesis is potentially now my favourite one ever. Because this dude is such a goddamn piece of shit in the best way possible. I can't tell you how much this yolked up ballsack PUSHED MY SHIT IN at first. When you find him outside the RPD, I figured I'd got pretty accustomed to the tank controls, and so I decided to give him a good ol' one-two with my saved shotgun ammo, and bro went HAM on me like I was CM Punk in an octagon. Dude was pulling shapes I hadn't even seen out the bag. Haymakers, full body throws, that sprint overhand left that he just unleashes whenever he decides you're looking a lil' too slick with it and he's sick of your shit. He's truly the ultimate aura merchant, man, and he was farming aura every goddamn second at my expense! The cheeky lil' swamp ass fuck. But the absolute sheer beauty of this game is how that first degrading, deeply humbling ass whoopin' you take from this giga chad lookin' pickle is all in service of this organic, natural development of your skills. Some of my favourite shit in games is when every area and mechanic naturally teaches you to get better over time. And I mean ACTUALLY better. No debuffs to the threat, or major changes to your inherent skillset. You get better weapons, but Nemesis' whole thing is he doesn't let you use your weapons for 70% of the fight, because bro is just relentlessly kicking your shit in like you owe him rent. But because he's such a fucking bastard, you form this sort of cross-dimensional, Stockholm-Syndrome-ass relationship with him. I came to truly know Nemesis by the end of this. Every time he'd air drop his swampy little Shrek ass into a narrow alleyway, I'd be like, oh, there he is. The little troll's back. Over time, I learnt to dodge him, to escape his pissy little charge run attack. Came to roll my eyes every time his Sloth from the Goonies lookin' ass would rock up with the rocket launcher his goblin mom bought him for Christmas. And it wasn't long until I realised how outrageously cool that was. How I started the game shittin' my little briefs whenever I heard him creaming himself over finding a STARS member, and ending it feeling like I knew how to kick his shit in, take his lunch money, steal his LEGO and make fun of his Power Rangers backpack. That's such smart game design; making him this seemingly unbeatable monster and, over time, turning him into a threat that you're so confident dealing with that you actively seek his goofy ass out so you can throw hands with him. Having one monster that's overpowered at first to the point of seeming unkillable, and eventually making him beatable without the game weakening him or giving him extra powers (well... until he gets his salmonella tentacles at the end). Secretly, I love him... he's so damn cute... I mean, he's so damn persistent that, as a constant threat, that relationship you form with him is so organic and well-designed. And now the dust has settled, fuck, I'd get a beer with that big dumb bastard. We went through a lot, big dog... let's just kick back, have a cold one, and remember the time you first caved my head in with an illegal overhand left that you definitely should've been DQ'd for. And to me, that's the game's strength. I've never played the original RE2 (yet, anyway!), but from playing RE2 Remake, I know it reuses environments, enemies and ideas. You go to the RPD after all, and from dogs, to zombies, to hunters, to those little dickhead worms thing, this is teeming with the same brand of annoying assholes I faced as HD Leon. But even from my experiences playing RE1 Remake, this changes the entire game of an old-school Resident Evil. Having this annoying troll man that's up your asshole 25/8 means you have to be clear-headed, smart and think about every action you're doing. It's a level of stress that heightens every mechanic and tests the sickos who've started playing these games on autopilot. And the way they adjust the experience to accommodate that is fantastic, too. The fact that you CAN fight Nemesis and get dope items for doing so really creates this balance of whether it's worth dropping him on his fat ass, wasting all your resources and leaving you defenceless for the next hour, or whether to run, stick with your shittier items, and have to deal with dodging him instead. It's goated game design, honestly, especially as I learnt while needing a guide to help with the HORRIFIC water sample puzzle that the game is so randomised that lil' bro can either not turn up at all, or spend literal hours kicking your shit in depending on how lucky you are. It makes him feel like this unknowable threat that does whatever he feels like, even if 99% of the time it's just finding a way to shit in your soup. Even the optional routes or "live decisions" were fun, despite the fact that you could've removed them entirely and lost nothing from the overall experience. So yeah, anyway, this is without question some of the best Resident Evil I've ever played. Throughout the early game, I thought, oh, this is top 5 in my list for sure. And by the end, it was an instant top three, beating out both iterations of RE4 for me and making every Resident Evil sicko fucking despise me (I'm sorry I've failed you, oh wise, noble gurus... I'm just a smol boi who likes the cheesy, crusty, early-era horror vibes). Absolute sheer survival horror mastery spread across 7 hours, and to think it was supposed to just be a spin-off is crazy to me. But... knowing how good it is... I now have to do something that I'm sure the diehards are way too used to hearing and are probably sick of being validated on... Okay, what the actual fuck was RE3 Remake? Sorry, I hear you boys now. I'm one of you! RE 3 Remake is definitely not bad, but... like... WHERE DID IT ALL GO? That shit was like saying: "Here's that Wagyu steak you loved in that fancy Japanese restaurant!" and then giving you a TGI Fridays chicken salad. Where was the Clock Tower, and the endless Nemesis encounters, and the Racoon City streets? Why was Nemesis mildly annoying me with his Temu rocket launcher for 10 minutes and then spending the rest of the game as a goofy flesh rodent? Sorry, did you just decide to remove all the sauce? The tension? The ultimate bastard Stalker villain who makes you seek forgiveness from the lord, go back to church and become a devout Christian? And, my god, I was watching some gameplay because I thought, man, maybe I just didn't have the context and they're more similar than I remember, but the pace is INSANE. You don't meet Carlos for at least a quarter of the game here, and even Nemesis waits for a bit to park his dump truck ass into the picture. In the Remake, everything is going down like a "last time on RE3" catch-up. It's retrospectively made that game shitter, cause dear god, can you imagine a proper remake of this? That shit would've been absolute HEAT. My favourite change has to be removing the ENTIRE clock tower though, because you can almost feel Capcom doing some magical spiritual passenger shit to crawl into Nemesis' body and possess him. In the remake, you go there, see it, get all excited, and then worm dog Nemesis just stabs Jill when he's out cold, so she can take a nap and doesn't have to go inside. Lil' bro said, nah, that's too expensive... there's like... spiders and a music puzzle in there... lemme just give you zombie tuberculosis so we can afford to make a sick as hell death animation for Ada Wong when she gets lasered in the RE4 Remake DLC.