3.5/5 ★ – jdraco's review of Mario Kart 7.

Hey, it’s been a while That was an extremely corny way to open up this review, but I mean it’s true; it’s been a minute since I’ve posted a review on here I’ve definitely wanted to and have been meaning to post this review Especially since I beat this game and stopped playing it months ago But like I alluded to in my Wordscapes review, I’ve just been busy as hell and haven’t really found the time to sit down and write a review for this game until now And for that I apologize Even though no one reading this review probably cares/even noticed that I haven’t posted my Mario Kart 7 review yet But for the potential 1 person that was actually waiting to hear my thoughts on Mario Kart 7, this review is dedicated to you So yeah, this game is pretty good… And that’s it See you in another 2 months… No, but in all seriousness, “pretty good” does genuinely describe this game perfectly for me It’s just a solid Mario Kart game overall It’s got some really good track design, some brand new kart customization options that were introduced in this game, and the character Honey Queen, who’s in this game for some reason And actually, this game's roster of characters is pretty weird overall I mean, for starters, Wario is a character in this game that you actually have to unlock For some reason he’s not available to play as immediately, like he is in every other Mario Kart game that he’s in And then there are just some other weird-ass choices that they made to fill character slots Like, Wiggler is on the roster, Lakitu is on the roster, there’s Shy Guy, there’s fucking Metal Mario, there’s just so many stupid characters And mind you, all of these characters were chosen to be put into the game over Waluigi, Diddy Kong, Funky Kong, Bowser Jr. There are just so many better characters that could’ve been chosen But for some reason they were just horny as hell to put Lakitu in the game This overall isn’t that much of a complaint for me, though; I just kind of find it funny how some of these characters made it into the final roster for the game However, one thing that this game nailed pretty damn well is the tracks There are so many good tracks in this game, new & old Like Wario Shipyard, for example, is a great new track; Rock Rock Mountain is great, even though that falling rock part is annoying as hell; there’s DK Jungle; there’s Music Park And then the rainbow road in this game is spectacular as well, and I love that it just has you driving through various planets And then there are also tracks featured in this game that aren’t even from the Mario series, like Wuhu Loop and Maka Wuhu, which both take place on Wuhu Island from fucking Wii Sports Resort Which is what I love about these tracks I mean, they're not absolutely peak, masterpiece-level tracks, but I just love that these were the first tracks in the series that just weren’t connected to Mario at all Like when Mario is driving through the cliffs on one of the Wuhu tracks, he has absolutely no fucking idea me and Asami had a battle to the death on that same cliff in Wii Sports Resort And because of these Wuhu Island tracks being featured in the game, it probably inspired them in Mario Kart 8 to make the F-Zero, Legend of Zelda, and Animal Crossing tracks, which are all great So huge props to Mario Kart 7, because this game did it first, and it did it right Another thing that this game did first, which would be featured in Mario Kart 8, is kart customization That’s right, in this game you’re able to customize the kart that you’re using, the wheels, and the glider as well And each of these all have their own different stats and variances, and it’s a very intricate system… If you’re a fucking idiot Yeah, I don’t know; I’ve never really been that into the kart customization I mean, it’s cool that you have all these different options for how you want your cart to look and handle But, I mean, I personally just don’t really care I’ll either just go with whatever kart combination that I feel like using that works for me Or I just go online and look up which one is the best Which in this game is the B-Dasher with the red monster wheels, in case you were wondering Oh, and then a flower glider as well to fit in with that combination, which actually, speaking of gliders for a second, They were also a new addition to the game as well And they’re… alright. They basically just make it so there’s like a 10-20 second portion of every new track where you’re in the air for a little bit gliding around And that’s it I mean, sometimes they do some interesting things with it Like in Rock Rock Mountain, you could try to glide over one of the big windpipes to help propel you up higher And then also in the track Shy Guy Bazaar in the gliding section, you have to try to avoid Shy Guys that are flying around on magic carpets… Yeah, actually, after writing these down and reading them out loud, the gliding sections are pretty stupid, and pretty much every time I get to a gliding section, I just want to end it as soon as possible, so I just try and beeline it straight to the ground But these sections don’t really detract at all from the overall great tracks and track design that this game has And speaking of the great tracks, the selection of retro tracks in this game is immaculate I mean, you’ve got Mushroom Gorge, Luigi’s Mansion, Coconut Mall, Waluigi Pinball, Maple Treeway, Koopa Cape, Airship Fortress, Daisy Cruiser… There are just so many damn good retro tracks Also, you can tell just how much I love Mario Kart Wii and Mario Kart DS because almost every single one of the tracks that I just listed is from those games But, I mean, they were listed mainly just because they’re just amazing tracks And I was actually surprised when I looked at footage for this game to see that none of these tracks were really remixed or tampered with at all Which is nice, because all these tracks are already great, and they really don’t need a random 10-20 second gliding section added into them just for shits and giggles However, though, now I want to talk about the items, an absolute staple of every single Mario Kart game In every single Mario Kart game, the items are an essential part of the experience that have the ability to entirely change the tide of every single race Blue shells, bullet bills, red shells, These are some of the most iconic items that the series has to offer that, again, have the ability to change up a race entirely and make up for some of the funnest, wildest, and sometimes most extremely frustrating experiences that you can get out of any racing game So, with all that being said, and after all that buildup, you may be wondering what new items this game added to help uphold that variety and keep that one-of-a-kind Mario Kart experience intact… They added a super leaf and a “lucky 7” item… that’s it Now, I’m mostly just bullshitting, because even though they did only add 2 new items to the game, pretty much all of the old ones are still there So you do still get that Mario Kart experience But come on now, only 2 new items And 2 new items that are pretty underwhelming at that I mean, the super leaf just gives you a tail for like 20 seconds that you can use to knock away projectiles and to hit other characters And then the lucky 7 gives you every item in one, but it’s dumb as hell and really has no practical use; the item is just a gimmick So yeah, again, the items are just pretty underwhelming, and it really does make me kind of miss what they did with Double Dash Because even though I don’t think that that game is great, I do really like the fact that a lot of the characters in that game have their own unique items, on top of the already solid, staple Mario Kart items I don’t know, I just would’ve liked to see more effort be put in One thing that I will say, though, that I find funny about this game, which is also true for pretty much every Mario Kart game Is the fact that your character pops off whenever another character runs into one of your banana peels that you leave on the track Like, I don’t know why, but it’s just funny as hell to me that all these characters just have this sixth sense to know when someone fucking crashes into their banana peel What’s not funny, though, is when I crash into a banana peel because of the damn controls That’s actually not even true, though, because the controls actually aren’t bad at all They’re actually good; they control like a good Mario Kart game should. The handling and drifting is nice, the 3DS analog works well for the game, everything is just pretty good, and, again, the controls all work how they’re supposed to But with that all being said, the reason why I initially blamed the controls is because controlling this game fucking hurts my hands after a while Like, it destroys my thumbs and fingers after, like, 15 minutes of playing, because my fucking meaty hands have to scrunch and stretch all over my little ass 3DS in order for me to play the game optimally And this wasn’t a problem for me at all when I was a kid, because the 3DS was more well suited for my 9-year-old hands to play the game But now that I’m an adult, this shit hurts Especially having to hold the L button in order for me to keep a banana/shell behind me at all times It’s just fucking hell on my hands And honestly, even thinking about it right now is making my hands cramp, so I’m not going to dwell on this topic any longer And I’m not really going to keep this review going any longer either, because there’s really nothing left for me to cover with this game I’ve basically talked about everything I wanted to Except for a few more things that I wrote down in my notes while I was playing this game, but I don’t really know what they mean or how to expound upon them Like, for example, in my notes, I wrote “random windpipes” Which, I guess, there are random windpipes strewn variously throughout each track, maybe? I think I vaguely remember there being a lot of windpipes, but I really am not entirely sure And then for one of the other things I wrote, I also just wrote down “mini map”... What does that even mean? What did I want myself to write about the mini map? There’s nothing to really say about it It’s in the game; it works well; that’s pretty much it However, there is one last thing that I wrote down in my notes that I actually do want to touch on And that’s the fact that Koopa Troopa is the greatest racer of all time in this game Seriously, this fucking character is top 3 in every single race, every single Grand Prix that I’ve ever done in this game The character is just a fucking beast in this game for no reason His speed, his footwork, his handling, his drifting, and his overall track IQ It’s all just absolutely top-notch for no reason So fuck Koopa Troopa In this game specifically, in everything else that he’s in, he’s fine And that’s actually how I would describe Mario Kart 7 as well, fine This is just a fine, solid Mario Kart game I enjoyed it, but at the end of the day, it didn’t really do anything that special for me I mean, like I touched on in this review, it didn’t really add any new items, the character roster was kind of weak, and the new additions of the gliding and kart customization were just okay But the game isn't bad by any means, though, and I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t enjoy the game just because of what I said I do definitely still enjoy this game and stand by the fact that it has great track design and tracks in general; the racing and gameplay are still fun as always, and at the end of the day, it’s Mario Kart And that’s all you can really say It’s fun, it’s infuriating, it’s Mario Kart… Fuck Koopa Troopa 3.5/5